2 years later

I find myself often reflecting on the last 2 years and thinking about who I was before it all unfolded and who I am now. My identity has dramatically altered in ways I never thought possible. It sounds like a cliché but it is the truth about my whole being as it exists today.

Recognising who I am now has been a gradual journey of rediscovery that has been quite brutal at times. It feels like I have been slowly emerging from the dust that refuses to settle. I constantly remind myself that I am not alone although there are those periods, days, weeks, and moments where I am so lost I can’t even find myself amidst the chaos. I remind myself that Thomas is at the core of everything. He is my reason to push on when I feel so empty, so broken. I look to my husband and see a lot of strength that is solid and at times unflinching. I look to this and hold my own when I feel I am losing myself. When I lose myself, it is often so much like the temper of a toddler. Unpredictable. Random triggers. Walking on eggshells. Stormy. Sometimes brief, or otherwise ongoing.

I remind myself of my family, my husbands family and how they have felt during our journey. Have they received the support they needed when processing difficult news? Often times, as the parent, receiving the traumatic news is difficult in itself, but to then find a way to deliver it is not easy. It’s like a second blow.

Now, 2 years later I am the same person but it’s just that I’ve been through a crash course within the complex/high needs community that has left me strong, but with many wounds. Those wounds that I have are still very raw and tender however as time goes on, I am learning how to carry and care for my wounds. I believe that I could improve on the TLC front of looking after me. I have realised that you cannot pour from an empty cup and it has been a huge wake up call for me to recognise and identify how I can look after myself. This is very much a work in progress for me.

These last few months have been an especially busy time with moving out of Auckland, closer up North. Thomas is now 2 and services are changing and I now find his team expanding with even more appointments and as he grows equipment continues to be a constant focus. We have taken on a business and I am needing more support and we have now another carer to help address this.

One day at a time.